Just say no...

[bigben2k]

On my birthday of all days, my wife and I got a call from the school: my stepdaughter got herself in trouble.

Her best friend and her became friends with a boy. Everything seemed fine.

Last week, some girl asked my stepdaughter to get her some pills, which she could do through this boy. She accepted.

The girl got caught with the pills, and my stepdaughter, when questionned (eventually) admitted to selling her the pills. The boy denies it all. She told the principal that she knew that she would get in trouble for it, but decided to do it anyways.


So now, she'll be suspended for the rest of the week, and transfered to the "Alternative Education Program" for the remainder of the year. They don't quite have the same curriculum, so although her grades will go up, she'll miss out on a Spanish class, and a good education. They also have very strict rules (dress code, no makeup, no bags, no more than $10 at any time, not permited on school grounds for any reason, etc...).

The girl that got the pills never took them. The local police identified the prescription as "anti-seizure" medication. They also opted not to take this to court, and let the school handle it.

Needless to say, my stepdaughter is grounded, for an indefinite period of time, and will be getting counselling, among a number of other things...


So if you have a kid, please do everyone a favor, take a minute and remind them that dealing in prescription/medications is just as bad as dealing with illegal substances, and that only a parent/guardian is allowed to give a kid medication: "just say no". Maybe a reminder about peer pressure wouldn't hurt either.


Thanks,
BB2K

[BrianW]

Great to see good parents here @ procooling. Hats off to the responsibilty you obviously instilled into ur kid. Quickly owning up to mistakes is a great quality in a person.

Brian W

[bigben2k]

Thanks, but right now, that's the farthest thing from my mind.

As the principal put it; "your parents aged a few years today, just from the fear"...

Well I knew I was going to be at least one year older that day

[jtroutma]

wow......

(Might have something to say later.......after it all sinks in)

[msv]

To bad this shit-for-brains boy thing don´t have the same quality on his parents. Maybe he inherited his parents complete lack of spine.
I hope it turns out to the better over time.
regards
Mikael S.

[Cova]

Just curious - how old is your stepdaughter?

It sounds to me like she's being punished far too much for the crime she did, but perhaps I'm thinking she's younger than she is.

Then again, I disagree with most of the drug-related (legal or not) laws in the US and Canada. Possesion of a couple grams of weed is about equal to murder, and if you sell it to someone is far worse. And now because your stepdaughter made a relatively small mistake, she's had her future life effected in potentially a pretty serious way. What will be the long-term effects on her life as an adult after having this happen to her education? At least with the police not involved there will be no official record of it, or she would probably have a hard time ever traveling outside of the US too. I'd be argueing with the school about putting her back into her regular classes - don't punish her future potential in life. And ground her for the next year if thats what you feel she deserves.

[airspirit]

Hear hear. It is bullsh!t for her to be put into a second tier school because of this. I would be beating the f*ck out of the school to get her back into her original classes. If she doesn't, she will have extreme problems in college/work because of the stigma of being in a "Problem Child" school.

Don't accept their crap. The reason the schools do this is so that they can make your daughter disappear and they won't have to worry about her any more. In the end, there is more crime, drugs, violence, and hurt in those schools; but hey, at least you get a lower quality of education and get told you're worthless every day until you drop out!

[g.l.amour]

kids will do stupid things, recently saw a documentary about this topic.

who in here can say that they haven't done anything against the law when they were -18??? be honest ppl

shoplifting, smoking some grass, getting some for a mate. it sounds real bad as an adult, but as a kid its quickly done.

as my mother says, u need to let your kids do stupid things from time to time. nomatter what u say, they won't listen if they don't realize that they are wrong.

i can say that i have done some things far worse than your stepdaughter BB, luckily i never got caught, and now i don't do anything illegal anymore as the age of wisdom is slowly settling on me.

so in the end, i like the cops not going to court for it, but as airspirit says, it is totally ignorant of the school trying to shuffle the problem under the mat like that. in my country u always get a second chance pulling off stoopid stunts like she did.

[jtroutma]

Now that I am out of the shock factor (yesterday finished two certification tests back-to-back and then reading that and thinking about my own ex-stepdaughters problems :shrug: )

It sounds like they are making an example out of her. The school wants to make it known that they will not be "lite" on people who put this kind of stuff and they are showing what they CAN do, no necessarily what they WILL do in all cases.

I have been working at a highschool for almost a year now and my office is IMMEDIATELY next to, what they call, the "Work-In-Progesses" room (AKA Problem students) I have had great conversations with the on-campus police officer about what goes on in this school.

Side Note: I HAVE SEEN STUDENTS MAKE JOINT PIPES OUT OF EVERY IMAGINABLE METHOD THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DREAM!!! (Pepsi cans, clay school projects,etc..) I am amazed.

Out of all the drugs and problems that have walked by my office door I have YET to hear about even one case where a student was caught with an illegal drug in their possesion and then getting suspended and sent off to an alternative school.

The WORST offence that I have ever directly delt with was a student who repeatedly violated the school computer policy and had key loggers found in his student server folder. (He just had his account disabled perminately for the rest of the year)

Not saying that computer offences and drug offences are the same but from what I am reading, it sounds that they are going overboard.

I will discuss this with my on-site campus officer directly and find out how he would deal with it and also with the Dean of this Highschool. I seriously doubt that they would send her off to a new school. Suspension I can see; not necessarily an expulsion though......

[bigben2k]

Many thoughts, and a lot of frustration.

My stepdaughter is 15. She is being transfered to the alternative school because it is the school district's policy. There is an appeal process, but we have no intention of going there.

I don't believe that they were harsh, in any way: what if the little girl went into a coma, or even died? What if she ended up getting more kids to do the same, merely by example? What if she started selling other drugs? There are many, many consequences to what she did, and it's clear to us that she doesn't fully understand them all. I would even argue that she could have put our household in danger, from reprisal of that boy, or his gang (if he had one).

As for the boy, the school's police officer said: "So... I see you're following in your brother's footsteps!". I think that says it all. We'll be contacting my stepdaughter's friend's parent, to let him know that he would do well to keep that boy far, far away.

Right now, my wife and I are looking into transfering her to a christian school: we don't believe that my stepdaughter would do well in the alternative school, with fellow soon-to-be-criminals (as described by one of our church members), since she fell to peer pressure. We believe that we should be focusing on changing her environment, instead of (or as well as) letting her be punished.

But either way, she'll have a taste of the alternative school, for a week or two.


Jtroutma: I certainly appreciate any info you can get to me about this. We're also concerned about how any of this could (or could have) affected us legally, as parents/guardian, either directly or indirectly, but I think we'll be consulting with a lawyer about it.


Thanks to all for replying.

[nexxo]

I'm sorry to hear of your parental troubles. Sort of reminds me why I have no kids myself... It takes no psychologist to know that kids do stupid things, and 15-year olds are no exception. It doesn't get much better with adults...

We all screw up big time at least once a year, and I guess this was her quota for 2003. As long as she realises the magnitude of her screw-up, and faces up to the consequences with responsibility, she'll be OK.

For the record, I think you're right to take this as seriously as you are. I grew up in Holland, where we have a pretty liberal drugs policy. Human civilisation has always used drugs in some form or other. Although I share the opinion that adults should use at their own risk (and in Holland, that actually sort of works), I feel strongly that the under age are not yet able to make such a big decision in any responsible or informed way.

It's like smoking: sure people smoke, but that doesn't mean it doesn't kills a lot of them. As a Clinical Psychologist I see it all the time, over and over; nobody, but nobody, is exempt. No matter how healthy or wealthy you are, how much in control you kid yourself to be, no matter how careful you think you are, in the end, it always gets you. Because if you feel the need to use drugs in the first place, you have a psychological problem that makes you vulnerable to becoming addicted (the drug does not cause the addiction so much as fulfill it... like a curse finding its shape). But if you are psychologically healthy, it has nothing to offer you anyway.

The school, I feel, overreacted a bit with her, but what your stepdaughter learnt is an important lesson and the most important lessons in life tend to be the most painful. Pain makes you think, thinking makes you wiser. She'll live and learn. I think moving her to another school is a sound idea. Don't let her miss out on Spanish, as in the US it's a must-have language (which no doubt you know better than me)!

[bigben2k]

Thanks.


Actually, I thought that the school was kinda nice: if it was my kid that bought the drugs, I would expect no less from the school. Maybe this makes more sense to parents, but I'd rather know that no kid is going to get away with trying to sell drugs/prescriptions to my kid.

In case I wasn't clear enough, and perhaps to emphasize the point a bit more: the girl that bought the medication could have gotten seriously hurt, or even die. Only a doctor is qualified to give out a prescription.

I've got half a mind to drag my stepdaughter to those parents, and make her apologize.

[airspirit]

Making her apologize would be good. Getting her into another school, especially a christian school, would be outstanding. Seperating her from the elements that had enough control to convince her to do this kind of thing (or had enough influence that she didn't care about the consequences) would be a good start, and would keep her away from the boot camp for criminals. That is probably the best thing you could do for her, and the ONLY thing you can do that will prevent this from possibly destroying her life before it's fairly begun.

Nexxo: Texas is not a part of the US -- it is one of the most northern lying territories controlled and colonized by Mexico. It is just like central washington, parts of colorado, nevada, oregon, arizona and new mexico (it's all in the name, right?), and all of southern california. You can't even vote in texas unless you are at least 50% hispanic (they do a genetic test to make sure no well-tanned white guys sneak by and mess up their conquest) and you are a Mexican citizen.

[bigben2k]

No no no... Texas is a country of its own!

g.l.amour: actually, I can honestly say that I've never done anything illegal, caught or not. If anything, I didn't turn anyone in that I knew did anything illegal: I'm just anally retentive, not a pain in the arse

[Antimatter]

wow. i feel really sorry for your daughter. being 15 myself, i can kind of understand how much it would suck to get expelled and sent to a school like that. they do seem to be overreacting a bit...

not that i think what your daughter did was a good idea. still, as long as no harm is done...

bigben2k, you have never j-walked? run a red light?

and getting your daughter into anything other than a juvinile delinquency school would probably be a good idea. from what i have heard about schools like that, they only make the kids go downhill.

as for spanish, i do not think it is all that necessary to know (but i live in new england) i am a latin student . anyway, good luck and i hope everything turns out ok.

EDIT: i apologize if i was unclear. i did not mean that bigben2k's stepdaughter should be let off without punishment. i only meant to express my sympathy.

[winewood]

...long as no harm is done...

I just cant tell you how much harm can happen from a simple thing. Harm was done in the form of compromise. The BEST thing that can happen is the swift light of reality.

Schools designed to be tought don't make kids go downhill, they usually already have made that choice before arriving. I admire BigBen for seeking out the right avenue. She is lucky to have a man in her life that will do the tough love kind of things. Believe me it makes a lifetime of positive change if done for the right reasons. This will save her from years of regret. Antimatter, I guess you just have to trust the older guys on this one.

[bigben2k]

Jaywalking? Yes, I've done that, but I would hardly call it "illegal", although it is wrong.

I never ran a red light, because I didn't start driving until I was 19, since I lived in a highly urban area, we all took the bus.

Now I do run red lights, everytime I'm stuck at it, and there's no one around. (Did you know that the average person will spend 6 months of their lives waiting at a red light?)


An update: we took my stepdaughter to her new school this morning. We were all briefed on the rules, what to expect, etc. The principal greeted us, and explained that she needed to select her lunch now, because the cafeteria only works on orders. When asked, her reply was: "I dunno!". So now the principal knows what she's facing . (Sometimes, it's just too easy!).

We also had a "small miracle" happen, over the weekend: the ex-girlfriend of my brother in law, is a teacher at the old school. Since my wife is at the university on Monday nights, we only get home at 11h00 pm. This kind person volunteered to pickup my stepson and stepdaughter, right after school, feed them (well, we pay for them to go to McDonalds or something), let them sleep at her place overnight, and drop them off at school the next morning. I'm still baffled at how kind people can be!

[winewood]

God is good. He works in wonderful ways.

[bigben2k]

Amen!

[hara]

BigBen. I'm sorry for your daughter. Two years ago when I was 15 I also got into trouble. Hopefully, I eventually found a way out. What I learned from my experience is that the worst thing to do is to get caught. I think you should consider sending your daughter to a catholic school. You won't believe what happens in an alternative school. My mother is a teacher and I sometimes can't believe what happens in a bad school, I will spare you the details.

[bigben2k]

Actually, from visiting/touring it this morning, it doesn't look very bad at all!

There's a grand total of 30 kids, from grade 5 through 12. They all have one teacher in the morning, and another in the afternoon: they alternate, so each class has about 15 kids. It's very quiet in there, everyone is expected to do their work, individually, and nothing else. They can't even walk around without permission, and they can't roam the halls without an adult escort.

The school assigned police officer gathers everyone up on Friday afternoons, for a lecture

We were also assured that all kids there are kept so busy, that they'll do more in the few hours that they're there, than they've been doing in an entire day. Also, most kids there are in the same circumstances: they had a momentary lapse of judgement

So far, we're satisfied that it's exactly what she needs. We'll still be looking at the Catholic school, but at $5'000 /yr, it's not an easy decision, especially when money isn't easy to come by.

I'm glad to hear that you got out of it. I think that the lesson is "don't do it" and "use your head". She got caught up in the social goings-on. Even this morning, I caught her trying to use the phone It's like an addiction to her.

[hara]

What's wrong with using the phone?

[hara]

We'll still be looking at the Catholic school, but at $5'000 /yr, it's not an easy decision, especially when money isn't easy to come by.

In my country catholic schools are technically free. On another note, sometimes the more discipline is forced on a person, the more he would try to rebel against it. Just like in prison, your child may get depressed in a school like that one. Everybody does something stupid once in a while.

[hara]

I find it strange that I'm discussing these things on a site called "ProCooling". Don't get me wrong Joe

[bigben2k]

Originally posted by hara
What's wrong with using the phone?

Nothing, theoretically... but when you're so desperate to use the phone that you beg and plead, for what? So that she can "find out who thinks she's not cool anymore" is basically the answer (nebulous) that we got.

She was just too caught up with looking cool, and having friends. Her grades had been slipping, so Mom had to follow up with a couple of her teachers, but then the other class' grades started dropping... It was like chasing one's own tail!

If she has been spending her whole afternoon on the phone (which we suspect she did), then she's in for a hard check...