Here's a cut-and-paste of the funniest email I've gotten in months.

[Heavy_Equipment]

Subject: A Few Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened

Too funny.

[Heavy_Equipment]

QUICKIES

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
From the snoring.

What do you see
when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians
and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

How did the tugboat get AIDs?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

What's the definition of eternity?
4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.

Mom's have Mother's Day,
father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard

[FRAGN'STIEN]

The first post reminds me of the "Deep thoughts, By Jack Handy". Very funny stuff